The Holidays are a Time for Giving (II)

Well, once again it’s that time of year to indulge in Christmas shopping, Christmas music, Christmas decorations, Christmas cookies, and, thankfully, Christmas eggnog. That’s right, readers: “Christmas“, not “Holiday”.

In the spirit of the holidays (I just remembered gifts are also given during Chanukah, although I have no idea how to use a dreidel*), and to celebrate McDonalds® finally bringing back their McRib® sandwich (for a limited time only, or until their bottom line improves, whichever happens first), I once again present a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. No need to thank me if this helps with your shopping during the “holidaze”… you’re very welcome!

My 2012 Holiday Gift Suggestions
It's Bacon Candy Canes! Bacon Flavored Candy Canes!

How do you make a classic Christmas candy icon even better? Two words: ADD BACON! The tasty combination of sugar and bacon will have you running around the house like a squealing pig for hours. It’s sheer genius, and so obvious I’m amazed someone didn’t think of this decades ago! Order them here, or if you’re very lucky you may find them at your local Urban Outfitters or Newbury Comics.

Chifley's Instant Spiced Eggnog Mix Instant Spiced Eggnog Mix

Call me a purist, but Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a cup or two (or 10) of my brother’s “Holiday Eggnog“, complete with cholesterol-reducing cognac (medicinal, of course!) and just a sprinkle of nutmeg on top. However, for those of you too busy shopping, partying, or parked under the mistletoe to concoct my brother’s specialty, try some of Chifley’s Spiced Eggnog Instant Mix – perfect for turning an excellent cup of cold milk into an average cup of spicy eggnog. Find it in the “gourmet food aisle” at your local Dollar Tree.

Kilt Bath Towel, in Green or Red Kilt Bath Towel

It’s a gift sure to keep your “Inner Scotsman” happy…or, at least dry. Made from 100% cotton and large enough for the generously-sized guy, it retains all the modesty and visual impact of a “genuine kilt” while actually performing a useful function. And if you think this is stupid, click the link to see who agrees with you.

Candy Toothbrush?!? Sour Candy Toothbrush

Unlike Bacon Candy Canes – a pairing that ranks right up there with peanut butter & chocolate and Creamsicles® – why somebody thought of this combination is completely beyond me…unless that “somebody” happens to be a Dentist. Indulge your sugar craving, improve your puckering skills, and erode your precious tooth enamel all at the same time! Whether it also discloses dental plaque is unknown.

Play "Roadkill Cash"! State Lottery Tickets

During the “holiday season” I’m bombarded with State Lottery Commission ads on television, radio, billboards, and every convenience store counter about how happy your friends will be with you if you give them some as a gift . Ok…so the State Lottery Commission believes my friends would be happier to receive a $10 lottery ticket having about a 75% chance of being 100% worthless instead of receiving a $10 bill with a 100% chance of being worth $10? With logic like that, no wonder my state’s broke!

It's a Red/Blue World! 3D Vision Glasses

If you’re already in the Dollar Tree looking for Chifley’s Spiced Eggnog Instant Mix (or that last minute, “thoughtful” gift), why not pick up a pair of “3D Glasses”? Enhance the visual experience of your burning “Yule Log”, or don them during the traditional “carbohydrate nap” between dinner and dessert.  As an added bonus, the fun doesn’t stop after the holidays are over: Continue using them throughout the year to view comic books, 1950′s movies, or budding masterpieces, or to evoke sympathy from strangers after you suggest they’re corrective lenses.

Electronic Yodeling Pickle Electronic Yodeling Pickle

It’s the product you didn’t know you didn’t need: Unless you’re tired of hearing that Swiss horn player (and now, cell phones) announce “Ricola!®” or looking for something other than a multitude of bagpipes to strike fear in the hearts of an approach enemy (as if the “Kilt Bath Towel” wouldn’t be enough). It’s also great for innuendo… but, I digress. Seems this product’s been around since at least 2008, so my apologies for not including it in last year’s list.

Composition Book Tablet Cover Composition Book Tablet Cover

What better way to make a $400-$600 iPad look like a $2.99 Elementary School composition book than to encase it in a $60 folio cover that looks just like a…well, you know. Oh sure, it’s far less expensive than a $700,000 sapphire-and-diamond-encrusted case, but if the intent is to disguise an iPad so that no one would consider stealing it, why not get a case that looks like a smashed iPad?

Classic Match Foosball for iPad Classic Match Foosball for iPad

Sounds great in theory: Combine the coolness of a classic bar room game with the latest in geek technology. And, it sure looks like the people at New Potato Technologies did a fantastic job. But, to be honest, I don’t think I’d want four mid-20′s, physically-fit, and possibly moderately drunk New York Jets fans venting their frustration on a $100 device attached to a $600 iPad that’s merely sitting on a table: Especially when it’s cheaper to simply buy a full-size regulation Foosball table from Sears.

(The Author acknowledges the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)

*Oops…a Christmas digression!

Thanks for reading!

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