A Calendar for Progressives

Throughout history mankind has basically relied on three calendars: The Lunar, Julian, and today’s Gregorian calendar. However, during the past few years I’ve noticed that Liberals and Progressives seem to work to their own calendar: Obama’s promise to close Gitmo during the 1st month of his Presidency? So far, Obama’s only closed the office responsible for closing Gitmo. The Democrat Senate passing a Federal Budget? We’ve been waiting for one since April 29, 2009. Doubling our exports within the next five years? Doesn’t seem likely. Heck, even implementation of ObamaCare is behind schedule.

The way I see it, either Progressives are really bad at making good on their promises, or they’re simply using a calendar vastly different from everybody else. So, on the off-chance it’s the latter,  and based on my observations of their behavior, here’s my best guess at the calendar they appear to be following:

The Progressive’s Calendar

Tues Wed Fri Fri Sat Sat EOD
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
15 15 14 12 11 10 9
22 21 20 19 18 17 16
29 28 27 26 25 24 23
30 30 31 32 33 34 35


  • Calendar days are numbered to address the fact Progressives want everything done “yesterday”. (For example, any work started on the 7th will be completed on the 5th.)
  • The week contains two Fridays, so that Progressives can claim any work they claim to have accomplished was completed by week’s end.
  • Five new days have been added to allow for end-of-month,
    unexpected work defined by Progressives as a “crisis”. (For example, Global Warming, Gun Control, Sugared foods, or any Conservative Talk Show host)
  • Sunday and Monday have been eliminated, as Progressives are usually protesting on Sundays and hungover, strung out, or sleeping late on Mondays. However, to appease Public Unions there are two Saturdays to make it easier for them to increase their salaries and benefits, and load their pensions.
  • Late delivery of last month’s end-of-month, unexpected “crisis” work is avoided by eliminating the 1st of the month.
  • To compensate for removing the 1st of the month, an extra 15th and 30th of the month have been added, thereby giving Progressives additional time to defraud the government’s welfare, Social Security, and grant systems.
  • A new weekday – Executive Order Day (or EOD) – has been created by Executive Order to ensure any desired work is performed on time without having to rely on or consider the will of the voters.
  • A new day – Negotiation Day (or ND), strictly defined as the 3rd Executive Order Day of each month – has been created on the rare chance bipartisan compromise actually takes place between Progressives and any other group, and to keep other days free for uninterrupted “crisis” work. Note should any compromise actually occur it can be overruled by Executive Order.
  • There is no 13th of the month, thereby making “Friday the
    13th” impossible. This in no way affects any existing “Friday the 13th” movies.

Thanks for reading!

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