Hey Biden*, I’ve Learned to Code (Maybe)!

“Anybody who can go down 3,000 feet in a mine can sure as hell learn to program as well … Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program, for God’s sake!”
- Senator Joe Robinette Biden* Jr., December 30th, 2019, during a New Hampshire campaign rally.

Let’s see now, (p)Resident Biden* has promised to eliminate fossil fuels, along with potentially all the jobs in the coal (about 53,000), oil and natural gas (about 9,600,000), and nuclear (up to 475,000) industries, shut down construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline (affecting up to 11,000 jobs), and stopped construction of the border wall with Mexico (potentially placing 5,000 workers out of work and costing billions in contract fees).

That’s about 10,120,000 jobs eliminated, and Biden* has only been (p)Resident of the United States for less than a month. Impressive and scary!

Well Joe, (or, should I refer to you as “Mr. President” or “President Biden“?) my programming skills might be a little rusty – I think I’m still working with FORTRAN 90 – but I believe I have still got enough skills to program your working schedule.

Take a look!

PROGRAM FAILURE

! —– DECLARATIONS —–

INTEGER THE_SECONDS
INTEGER IMA
CHARACTER BIDEN
REAL DUMB, IDIOT

! —– BIDEN*S BEING PRESIDENTIAL —–

THE_SECONDS = TIME()
CALL SRAND(THE_SECONDS)
IMA = 0
DO 100 IMA = 0,10,1 ! BIDEN*S BUSY TODAY!

SCHEDULE = RAND(0)*10

IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.0).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.10)) THEN

BIDEN = “sleeping”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.10).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.20)) THEN

BIDEN = “in the basement”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.20).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.30)) THEN

BIDEN = “rescuing Hunter”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.30).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.40)) THEN

BIDEN = “c’mon man!”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.40).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.50)) THEN

BIDEN = “confused”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.50).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.60)) THEN

BIDEN = “indisposed”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.60).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.70)) THEN

BIDEN = “playing video games”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.70).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.80)) THEN

BIDEN = “having ice cream”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.80).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.90)) THEN

BIDEN = “appeasing China”

ELSE IF ((SCHEDULE.GE.90).AND.(SCHEDULE.LT.100)) THEN

BIDEN = “mumbling”

ELSE

BIDEN = “doing who the heck knows”

END IF

! —– WRITE ANOTHER BIDEN* ACCOMPLISHMENT —–

WRITE (*,200) BIDEN

200 FORMAT(“Why are you having me sign something while I’m”,1x,a20,1x,”?!?”)

WRITE (*,300)

300 FORMAT(“C’mon, man, have Jill or that Vice President handle it!”)

100 CONTINUE

GOTO 50

! —– HEY JOE, STOP BEING PRESIDENTIAL —–

RETURN
END

BTW: Last time I programmed in FORTRAN was decades ago, so let me know if this program actually works ;-)

Thanks for Reading!

This entry was posted in Are You Kidding me?, Computers, History, Not Surprisingly, Quotes, Technology and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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