Once again, in the spirit of Christmas (that’s right, readers: “Christmas“, not “Holiday”, or “Winter Celebration”, or “Chrismahanukwanzakah“) I present a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. As usual, Holiday readers, there’s no need to thank me if this helps reduce your shopping stress while your electrons wait in line to compete with other electrons in the online stores this year as the goods you’re trying to buy sit in container ships parked out at sea.

Continue reading, and Merry Christmas!

My 2021 Christmas Gift Suggestions

Important Note: I am not affiliated with and make no money from any of the items, retailers, or links shown below. This list is for entertainment purposes only.
	The COVID-19 Virus What’s much, much worse than receiving a tie with your name on it, a 55-gallon drum of aftershave lotion, or maybe even Joe Biden’s Presidency so far? Why, receiving COVID-19 from a loved one or total stranger who has been fully vaccinated and received all the booster shots, a virus which originated in a Biolab in Wuhan City, Hubei Province, China. A “gift” so horrible that 99.75% of Americans are still alive after almost two years of the virus being in the United States. (but, PLEASE don’t knowingly give anyone COVID-19!)
	The People’s Cube What’s the only toy guaranteed to provide hours of numbing consistency, equality of outcome, persistence of vision and possibly carpal tunnel syndrome? Why, it’s The People’s Cube! Experience the glorious satisfaction of developing politically-correct attitudes as you manipulate the Cube through 43 quintillion combinations of perfectly equal outcomes…perhaps you’ll even reach an Alpha Wave State of Enlightened Utopian Socialism.  Order one today and play the politically-correct way! (Oh, and be sure to download the Operating Manual!)
	Million Dollar Bills Now that “Basement Joe” Biden has been (s)elected (P)resident he’s spending money faster than he’s avoiding the press. Now, you can own money just as worthless with these Million Dollar Bills! Perfect for impressing your Progressively Liberal friends, starting a fire, a tip for bad service, or even paying for your  now-astronomical energy bills. Get some now while Biden makes your actual money actually worthless.
	Toilet Bowl Shot Glasses It’s the glass that adds class when you’re getting drunk off your █ █ █. Each is large enough to hold a generous 2 oz. of your favorite liquid, but not as large as the “Porcelain Goddess” you may need later. Here’s a tip:  Keep one handy near your favorite bottle of booze and the other in the bathroom for the “after hangover” mouthwash!
	The Decodyne Math Wall Clock Here’s the clock to have when Roman Numerals are too fancy, Integers too ordinary and Imaginary Numbers are, well, imaginary. Each hour is represented by a mathematical expression guaranteed to confuse most of today’s kids, especially kids who can’t even read an ordinary clock or dial watch. Added bonus: The clock face looks like white chalk on a chalkboard, which also might add to their confusion.
	The BiDen Watch Speaking of reading dial face watches, take a look at a brand of watch President Biden might find more difficult to read than a teleprompter. Unlike the President the watches are available in a number of styles and colors, with a “Strongly Approve” rating of 70%…over twice the approval rating of our hapless President, and with many more electrons who support it.
	NFL Game Used Uniform Wallet After you use YOUR clothes you wash them and use them again, but when the jerseys of professional football players are used they become a $300 fashion accessory: Now THAT’S the power of capitalism! Made in India from fake leather, polyurethane, and (of course) some small portion of some NFL Player’s official uniform it’s bound to impress your football buddies after you tell them you can’t buy the next round of drinks and wings because you’ve got a wallet made from some player’s uniform.
	Joe Biden Ugly Holiday Sweater That BiDen watch brand might have been unfortunate coincidence but this Ugly Holiday Sweater is decidedly deliberate: Celebrate the Holidays (or, in Biden’s case, the “Holi-DAZE“) with a garment that’s colorful, warm, cozy, confusing, and ugly, just like some of the thoughts apparently going through President Biden’s brain. And, if you can’t bear to wear it, consider this lovely Trump alternative.
	Anthracite Coal Thanks to Progressive Environmentalists a gift once reserved for those on Santa’s “Naughty List” is now an expensive, thoughtful, and practical gift! And there’s nothing more thoughtful than giving up to 26 tons of it for those long cold winter nights. If that’s too much generosity consider gifting a token bag. Added bonus: It’s “Made In The USA“!
	Pagan Breakfast God Mask What would a Xmas List be without bacon, the food that improves nearly everything? Rhetoric aside, here’s another fine gift from the minds at Archie McPhee: Celebrate breakfast and pagan worship while announcing your love of bacon, all in one convenient, stylish product. The Ancient Mayan Gods would be proud!

(Note I am in not associated in any known way with any product or link shown on this page, and acknowledge the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)

Thanks for reading! And, Merry Christmas!