Why use a body in orbit, sundial, water, hourglass, clock, wristwatch, cellphone, or Uncle Sam to tell the time when you can use this handy method reported by an acquaintance of mine?
How to Tell Time in my Town
| 4:30 AM – | Woken up by hellacious, knock-down-drag-out argument in the upstairs apartment. If the couple waited until 6:30AM I wouldn’t need my alarm clock. |
| 5:15 AM – | Re-awoken by some import car in the parking lot sputtering to life after 20 seconds of hard cranking, followed by several revs to 5,000 rpm, and finally incessant valve lifter ticking and cylinder missing sounds while the driver turns the radio up loudly to mask the impending death of his engine. (If the arguing couple were more reliable I could throw my alarm clock at the car.) |
| 5:30 AM – | Unidentified man spends 10 minutes picking through dumpsters for bottles and cans before realizing someone beat him to it. |
| 6:00 AM – | Non-resident throws his trunk full of unknown junk into the dumpster to save the haulage fee, drives off. |
| 6:30 AM – | Traffic jam in downtown as no-one wants to sit on the nearby interstate: Naturally, there’s not a cop in sight. |
| 7:00 AM – | Retired old guys light first obnoxious cigars of day, polluting the downtown common; this continues until dusk. |
| 7:01 AM – | Garbage Truck driver knows it’s illegal to collect before 7:00AM in a residential neighborhood as he releases the air brakes and bangs the dumpster against the truck 10 times to ensure it’s completely empty. |
| 7:15 AM – | Scofflaws stop by bodega around corner for first round of scratch tickets, fruit-flavored cigars, and a 40-ounce “soda”. |
| 7:30 AM – | Scofflaws arrive at the downtown common to hang out and occasionally push their luck at (illegal) panhandling. |
| 8:01 AM – | The Supervisor’s assistant knows it’s illegal to use loud machinery before 8:00AM in a residential neighborhood as he starts the lawnmower / leaf blower / weed whacker / power tool. |
| 8:10 AM – | Congregational Church bells ring 8 times, tower clock indicates 9:10 (By the way, Catholic Church towers don’t have clocks) |
| 8:30 AM – | Downtown traffic jam clears up just in time for duty cop to arrive and “direct traffic”. Parks cruiser on side of the main street, completely blocking one of the two travel lanes. |
| 8:50 AM – | The Boss loudly reminds me I’m late for his 9:00 AM group meeting that he neither previously scheduled nor announced. |
| 9:15 AM – | It’s time to meet my Boss’s impossible demands within his unrealistic schedule while correcting his mistakes and covering his butt. |
| 12:29 PM – | |
| 12:30 PM – | In lunchroom, Boss sits down to discuss work just as I’m about to start lunch. |
| 12:55 PM – | Boss reminds me lunch is only 30 minutes long and that eating lunch at my cubicle is against company policy. |
| 1:00 PM – | (See 9:15 AM – no sense repeating it here) |
| 6:30 PM – | |
| 7:00 PM – | During my walk through the local mall I’m amazed at the number of people in pajama pants, jeans below their butts*, untied sneakers, and backwards-facing baseball caps. After not finding any tasteful clothes in my size, I may understand why. |
| 10:00 PM – | The people in the upstairs apartment are too busy arguing to either turn down their stereo spewing out some kind of rap music at 104 decibels or realize it’s illegal to engage in “loud activities” in a residential neighborhood after 9:00PM |
| 11:00 PM – | The shockwaves emanating from just-legal exhaust pipes of an flawless Harley Davidson announce the arrival of its’ imposing rider to his girlfriend’s place for the night. |
*it’s called “sagging“. Or, “How is this fashionable?!?”
Thanks for reading!
