Recently during a pre-game ceremony the Los Angeles Dodgers honored the “Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence” – a non-heterosexual leftist protest organization – by thanking them for their “…outstanding service to the LGBTQ+ community…” which includes using drag and religious imagery to satirize issues of sex, gender, and morality to raise money for the non-heterosexual community.
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BTW: Here’s the “Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence” version of daVinci’s “Last Supper”:
(click to enlarge)
Of course this got me thinking: What might America’s National Pastime be like if Satanists ran Major League Baseball? After all, the MLB has to think about how to pander to an LGBTQIA+ Community which has a potential purchasing power of $3.7 BILLION (despite being only 7.2% of the total US population), and it’s not like heterosexuals are going to be around forever (wot?), so now’s the time to shake things up a bit!
That said, here are some ways professional baseball could change the game experience to be more “inclusive” and “equitable“:
If Satanists Ran Major League Baseball
- More Relevant Pre-Game Ceremonies.
Each game will still start with Pledge of Allegiance, with one slight modification: Instead of allegiance to the United States of America, the pledge is aimed at a higher (ahem…”lower”) authority – Satanhimherciszeetransthemself!
Just memorize this short pledge to The Lord of the Underworld and you’ll be a Satanist Baseball Fan in no time!
“I am here to seal my Fate with blood.
I accept there is no law, no authority, no justice
Except my own
And that culling is a necessary act of Life.
I believe in one guide, Satan,
And in our right to rule mundanes.
I swear on my sinister-honour as a Satanist that from this day forth I
will never surrender, will die fighting rather than submit to anyone,
and will always uphold The Code of Sinister-Honour.”Now, in the interest of time, cleanliness and property safety the part of the pledge where everyone mutually bleeds on a piece of paper and burns it in a sacred caldron is skipped.
- Baserunning Circuit uses Four (4) Bases instead of Three.
Traditional baseball uses three bases plus Home Plate: A player runs counterclockwise around the bases, and scores a “run” if they successfully cross Home Plate.Satanist Baseball adds a “Fourth Base”, with the player running in the directions shown at the right. The intersecting paths make for exciting action, especially when there are multiple players on base. “Runs” are still scored by successfully crossing Home Plate. To accommodate this new arrangement pitcher’s mound is moved back, which should result in slower pitches and much more hitting.
- Ten (10) Players per Team
Adding an extra base will require adding an extra player, so teams will now have 10 players instead of the traditional nine. And did you know the number 10 signifies “completion and new beginnings“, making it the perfect number for Satanist Baseball. - Baseball Game Scoring Changes
In traditional baseball each team gets three outs per inning, the players are numbered from 1 to 9 (with the pitcher being Player 1, the catcher Player 2, etc. up to the right fielder who’s Player 9), each player can make three strikes for an out or four balls for a walk, and a variety of abbreviations and markings are used on the score sheet to indicate the play of the game (see right).
In Satanist Baseball the player numbering changes: The pitcher is now Player 0, the catcher Player 1, etc. and each of the three outfielders are Player 6 (or, “6-6-6″). In addition there are three strikes in an out, three balls for a walk, and three outs, so for two teams this would also be “6-6-6″. Relying on the same easily-remembered number will make the game easier to understand. - Six (6) Innings per Game
Many fans complain a 9-inning baseball game is simply too long to hold the interest of anyone but the most devoted fan. Shortening the game to 6 innings makes gameplay more exciting, takes less time out of one’s busy schedule, and continues uses of the same easily-remembered number. - Seventh Inning Sacrifice.
Sure, the game’s only six innings long but why get rid of the “Seventh-inning stretch“? Instead, stay after the game and watch the “Seventh Inning Sacrifice” along with your fellow Satanists! After all, I’d hate to think you weren’t serious when you recited the Pledge of Allegiance before the start of the game: That would make you “mundane” and a candidate for “culling”, and the last thing you want right now is to be the center of attention. - Exciting New Food Choices!
Satanist Baseball isn’t content with the usual baseball stadium fare (well, maybe if the hamburgers are served raw…but, I digress) There’ll be new foods to savor, such as Dragon Blood Wine, blood oranges, beet juice and borscht, pomegranate juice, red velvet cake, and pentagram-shaped french fries and pretzels! Yummy!.
- Washington D.C. Team Name Change
Back in the day the Washington D.C. baseball team was called the Senators, then when they left the new team was formed in 2005 called the Nationals.
In Satanist Baseball the name will change to the Washington Pentagrams: After all, if hidden pentagrams are good enough for the US Dollar Bill, the street layout of Washington D.C., and the Pentagon then it’s good enough for a baseball team!
- Secular Neutrality.
In Satanist Baseball we’re not here to celebrate Nationalism, Patriotism, Democracy, Laws, Morality, Military Heroes, and such like that there and things. No sirree, we’re here to celebrate only two things: Beelzebul and Baseball!
PLAY BALL! And…
Thanks for reading!
Added Bonus: Satan sings!
(Credit: The Devil’s song, from the movie “South Park Bigger, Longer and Uncut“)