In the spirit of Christmas (that’s right, readers: “Christmas”, not “Holiday”) I once again present a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. As usual, dear readers, there’s no need to thank me if this help reduce your shopping stress during the “holidaze”… you’re very welcome!
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Wiper blade sharpener Why pay $20 for that wiper renewal liquid stuff advertised on TV (which I’m figuring is mostly alcohol?) when you can own KalcoAuto’s “Wiper Blade Sharpener” for less (actually, half). This ingenious device keeps your blades working at their best without using harmful chemicals, and fits in any glovebox or cubby hole in your vehicle. It makes the perfect gift for the auto buff who also appreciates KalecoAuto’s “Seasonal Air” and “710 Cap”. |
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The Whaletone Piano What’s better than Lobaton or BelTone, and would make an even better holiday gift for the musically gifted? Why, Whaletone, of course! Looking like a cross between Shamu and a manta ray sent through a mangle machine, it’s almost enough to make me stop wishing for a Theremin. However, be warned: This combination of style and function is a tad pricey, so you might want to consider picking up my next gift recommendation first. |
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Million Dollar Bills At the rate the (P)resident of the United States is printing and spending money it won’t be long before US Currency won’t be worth the paper cloth it’s printed on (heck, it’s already happened to the penny, and it’s about to happen to the nickel). But why wait for the (P)resident when you can be just like him with these Million Dollar Bills! Perfect for impressing your Progressively Liberal friends, fire starting material, a tip for bad service, or even paying the IRS your fine (oops, I meant “tax“) for not signing up for ObamaCare. |
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Ear iPhone Case People will wonder if you’re the world’s nosiest person. (I wrote a few more sentences, but this is the only one my lawyer suggested I post. Obviously, he’s a Scrooge  |
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Power Bacon Underarm Deodorant You’ve read about my fondness for BaconPop, and Baconaise, but this one will surely have the man (men?) in your life squealing with joy this holiday season – it’s “Power Bacon” underarm deodorant, from those inventive folks at J&D’s Foods. No need for me to emote any further when their tag line says it all: “It’s like an aphrodisiac for your armpits.”
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VW Camper Van Toaster When it comes to breakfast what’s cheaper than a VW Camper Van and more nutritious than Camper Van Beethoven? Why, toast made from the VW Camper Van Toaster! Yep, it’s a real toaster cleverly disguised as the iconic German minivan legendary for lots of space and an almost total lack of frontal impact protection. Added bonus: Unlike VWs from the 1930′s thru 1970′s, this VW is actually designed to produce heat! |
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Gummy Bear Anatomy Kit If you miss the days when High School students actually got to dissect a real frog in biology class (I sure do, mostly because I found out who the squeamish and/or conscientious objectors were in my class  , then here’s a gift that’s sure to please this Holiday Season: Have your kids learn anatomy while reducing their dependency on sugary sweets. However, I can’t guarantee it will help them dissect their brocolli, calf’s liver, and yams at the dinner table. |
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Dirt Cologne, by Demeter If you’ve read this far you’ve probably already anxious to purchase some “Power Bacon” underarm deodorant, but why stop there? Here’s a complementary fragrance for the rest of your body, without all the unsightly appearance and potential bacterial infection of actual dirt. And ladies, why not consider picking up a bottle of their Laundromat Fragrance (shown) when you’ve had enough of your man smelling like a frolicking barnyard animal? |
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The Banana Guard Are you tired of having your banana mishandled and bruised? Upset with having to eat a misshapen banana? Before you wonder if I’m being metaphorical (hint: I’m not, and shame on you!), here’s a product that would have made my Mom’s childhood commute to school on the subway a little more enjoyable: The Banana Guard! And, they’ve also got a product for protecting cherries, if eating cherries is your fancy. |
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Thanksgiving Gumballs I’m guessing the thought process behind this was “Why not combine two really popular items and create an even better one?” Give them this Holiday Season and see if they deserve to be included with the classic food duos: Peanut butter & chocolate, orange & vanilla, and scallops wrapped in bacon (hmmmm… bacon!). |
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(The Author acknowledges the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)
Thanks for reading! And, Merry Christmas!
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