The Holidays are a Time for Giving

Well, now that I’ve had my fill of turkey with all the trimmings, followed by, in order, leftover turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey pot pie and turkey soup, it’s time to indulge in Christmas shopping, Christmas music, Christmas decorations, Christmas cookies, and, mercifully, Christmas eggnog.

To acknowledge the official start of December, and in the spirit of the holidays, I thought I’d provide a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. No need to thank me if this helps with your shopping during the “holidaze”… you’re very welcome!

My 2011 Holiday Gift Suggestions
	The DVD Rewinder Avoid paying DVD rewind charges by using quantum mechanics to rewind your DVDs in nanoseconds. It’s strangely quarktastic!
	Neo Socket Improve your car’s gas mileage 0-30% by plugging this small electrolytic capacitor into your 12V cigarette lighter. The blue glow shows you that something’s actually glowing blue!
	Car Lashes Women! Be the envy of your friends (and Tammy Faye Baker) by adding this hot fashion look to your vehicle’s headlights. Available for all makes and models.
	Magna Power Insoles Use the healing power of magnets to stimulate not only the nerve and capillary systems in your feet but also the security detection systems at most major airports.
	Toshiba’s 3D Monocle Why suffer the inconvenience of large, bulky 3D glasses, or wait for glasses-free 3D televisions when you can now have the the most lifelike one-eyed 3D experience around?
	Angry Nerds app Eliminate those nasty software bugs by accurately catapulting angry Nerds into them. A variety of Nerds and bugs ensures minutes of fun for all ages!
	De-3D Glasses Reduce annoying and inconvenient headaches, dizziness and nausea caused by action-packed 3D movies by converting 3D movies into regular 2D movies. (Note: Has no effect on bad plots, inane dialogs or movie theater food).
	Tactical Balls Although not what I thought, they’re a simple and effective way to create confusion and disorientation in any unwanted or unruly crowds. They’re portable, battery operated and require no training: Ideal for law enforcement officers afflicted with taseritis and/or triggeritis.
	Chia Obama Show your patriotic fervor while “going Green” at the same time: Just spread the green around, add some water, and watch it grow! A thoughtful and organic gift for the radical left-wing environmental moonbat in your family.
	Bear Scratch Can’t quite reach that pesky itch? Then get the Bear Scratch, and tame that itch the way wild bears do. “It’s better than bad, it’s good!”