Holidays are a Time for Giving! (2023)

Dear Santa: Don't give me this stuff.(image by
Where I live Fall has been so mild I still take my convertible out for a stretch during lunch on the warmer days. As the Christmas Season approaches (that’s right, readers: “Christmas“, not “Holiday”, or “Winter Celebration”, or “Chrismahanukwanzakah“) that may be my best Xmas gift of all, but for those unable to command the weather I once again present a short list of gifts I’d return, re-gift, or donate to charity if given I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends, because Holidays are a Time for Giving!

As always, Holiday readers, there’s no need to thank me if this helps reduce your shopping stress while you take the less money you have and buy fewer and more expensive stuff on store shelves.

A very Merry Christmas to You and Yours! Click below to…

My 2023 Christmas Gift Suggestions

Important Note: I am not affiliated with and make no money from any of the items, retailers, or links shown below. This list is for entertainment purposes only.

Athletic socks with HAIR?!? • Mullet Socks
The 1980′s hairstyle trend makes it’s return, but this time it’s at the other end of your body and far more convenient: It’s American Mullet Socks! Impress your friends while keeping the hair on your head (or, lack thereof) completely untouched. And, make the socks both stylish AND practical by wearing them low as you walk around your house to clean hardwood floors as you get in your daily steps!

It's the Pocket Switchcomb, for all you Cool Cats! • Pocket Switchcomb
Speaking of hair (or, the lack thereof), here’s a swell gift for any 1950′s cool Daddy-O’s or Greasers you know. It’s better than a Switchblade Knife… it’s a Switchblade COMB! Simply glide this through any ‘do to make your wig chop the ginchiest! Use it anytime you want to look your best, especially right before playing backseat bingo at the Passion Pit or at your pad. Take it from a cool cat, word from the bird is you’ll be made in the shade with this stylish blade! (and, if you have no idea what I’m talking about check out this list of 1950′s Slang)

Watch your step, it's Fake Dog Poop! • Plastic Dog Poop
Are you old enough to remember the good old days of dog ownership, when dogs could run free almost anywhere and their owners didn’t have to keep them on collar and leash, confine them to a doggie park, and clean up their contributions to Mother Nature? Or leaving a Nosy Neighbor or Grumpy Gus the gift of a flaming bag of dog poop on their doorstep? Rekindle those fond memories with “Old Skool Dog Poop“, from House of Marbles. Made of plastic, they’re easier to pick up and will burn impressively once you get it lit. And for you pranksters, bring one to the dog park, pick it up after your dog leaves a deposit, then blame the your dog’s pile on someone else… for “loads” of laughs!

Hanging Cat Washcloth • Hanging Cat Towel
Cat lovers will find this the perfect complement to their bathroom or kitchen decor: It’s flatter, more absorbent, and potentially less destructive than an actual cat (which may not like being used as a towel). The towel’s available in 29 different styles, so there’s one that’s bound to please you while making your cat curious about their new uninvited roommate. And unlike most cats the towel is machine washable. They’re a bit pricey but heck, if you’re a cat lover you’re probably already breaking the bank spoiling your little self-absorbed egotistical psychopathic four-legged feline.

Texting from your Toilet! WOT?!? • Potty Texter
Back when I was a young teenagers wanted to be permanently joined at the hips. Today, teenagers – especially Gen Z and Gen Alphas – want to be permanently joined to their phone 24/7/365. Here’s one gift that will bring that goal closer to reality: A tripod that places a cellphone at just the right height to let someone talk to their friends while talking to the toilet. A handy doorknob sign let’s you know that pounding on the door to use the bathroom will only result in the texter flaming you on their social media sites. Frankly, I can think of more entertaining things to do in the bathroom than texting… including using the toilet for its’ intended purpose ;-)

It's the Verbal Diarrhea Facemask! • Verbal Diarrhea Face Mask
Back in my youth I remember my Dad sometimes saying a politician or blowhard suffered from “Diarrhea of the Mouth” (apparently, I only occasionally suffered from “Selective Hearing” ;-) ), so I’m sure he would have loved to give this gift. Unlike all those facemasks we wore during the COVID-19 Eldemic – which were claimed to be “over 80% effective but language kids today are speaking. One size is large enough to fit most heads, but may not be large enough to absorb all the effluent from some of them.

It's the "Cheap Meat" Gift Card! • Cheap Meat Gift Card
Presenting a thoughtful gift for someone having trouble having a cow or too chicken to buy chicken due to the ever-rising price of meat: The “Cheap Meat” Gift Card! Why purchase an expensive box of custom-cut specialty beef or chicken from one of those fancy meat stores when there’s plenty of flavorful surplus and recalled meat perfect for stews, soups, and casseroles? Guaranteed to get a reaction from any recipient – whether it be from their face, stomach, or intestinal tract.

Personalized Whac-A-Mole bookcase and bar! • Personalized Whac-A-Mole Game!
Thanks to Hammacher Schlemmer we now have a modern, personalized version of the classic Arcade Skill Game “Whac-A-Mole“, where you use a padded mallet to bonk curious moles back into their holes as their heads emerge from their tunnels. The custom, $35,000 version is disguised as an ordinary bookcase whose doors open to reveal an arcade game with a convenient bar above. If that’s a bit pricey you can purchase the game alone for a mere $10,000. And, if you’d rather spend that money on things like basic necessities you can play my irreverent and politically-incorrect online version of “Whac-A-Mole” for free!

WTF is this? It's a "WTF" Notepad! • ”WTF” Notepad
Why scratch your head when someone says or does something that leaves you completely baffled when you can scratch this notepad instead? This conveniently-sized and easy-to-fill-out notepad allows you to effortlessly express your total frustration with someone’s bewildering action(s). Each page contains plenty of options to make sure you leave the other person scratching THEIR head instead. Check out the full line of hilarious notepads at the Off the Wagon Shop.

What is it? It's "NOTHING"! • It’s Nothing!
What’s better than “Something”? Why, it’s “Nothing”! Nothing to own, sell, break, fix, discard, or replace: The only “Something” is that you have to buy it. Cleverly packaged to distract from the fact it contains absolutely nothing at all, it’s a great way to ease your friends and family into a future where they will own nothing and be happy. And speaking of “Nothing” and “Something”, it’s Christmas, so here’s what the Bible says about having the most important “Something” of all.

(Note I am in not associated in any known way with any product or link shown on this page, and acknowledge the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)

Thanks for reading! And, Merry Christmas!

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