Hey Biden*, I’ve Learned to Code (Maybe)!

“Anybody who can go down 3,000 feet in a mine can sure as hell learn to program as well … Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program, for God’s sake!”
- Senator Joe Robinette Biden* Jr., December 30th, 2019, during a New Hampshire campaign rally.

Let’s see now, (p)Resident Biden* has promised to eliminate fossil fuels, along with potentially all the jobs in the coal (about 53,000), oil and natural gas (about 9,600,000), and nuclear (up to 475,000) industries, shut down construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline (affecting up to 11,000 jobs), and stopped construction of the border wall with Mexico (potentially placing 5,000 workers out of work and costing billions in contract fees).

That’s about 10,120,000 jobs eliminated, and Biden* has only been (p)Resident of the United States for less than a month. Impressive and scary!

IBM Card Punch 029 Workstation, Circa 1960's Well Joe, (or, should I refer to you as “Mr. President” or “President Biden“?) my programming skills might be a little rusty – I think I’m still programming with FORTRAN IV being entered into my IBM 370 Mainframe on punch cards created on an IBM Card Punch 029 Terminal – but I believe I’m fully up to the task of programming your working schedule!

Take a look! (or, to just see the result click here)

PROGRAM FAILURE
IMPLICIT NONE

! —– DECLARATIONS —–

REAL DUMB, IDIOT
INTEGER THE_SECONDS, IMA, DAYNO
INTEGER :: PICK0, PICK1, PICK2, PICK3
CHARACTER*1 :: YESNO
CHARACTER*60 :: ACTION, REASON, EXCUSE, EMOTE
CHARACTER*100 :: TASK, WHO, MINION
CHARACTER(LEN=60), DIMENSION(10) :: ACTIONS, EXCUSES, MINIONS

! — LOAD THE TASKS, EXCUSES, AND PERSONS –

ACTIONS = [CHARACTER(LEN=60) :: &
     "Why are you having me sign something while I’m", &
     "Go away, can't you see I'm", &
     "Cripes, how can I mobilize trunalimunumaprzure if I'm", &
     "Is it OK to push the Nuclear Button while I'm", &
     "Look, I can't really be Building Back Better if I'm", &
     "Hold on, man, isn't this when I'm supposed to be", &
     "You've got the nerve to bother me while I'm", &
     "Who told you to interrupt me as I'm", &
     "You want me to act presidential right now as I'm", &
     "An Executive Order isn't very effective if I'm" ]

EXCUSES = [CHARACTER(LEN=21) :: &
     "confused", "sleeping", "in the basement", &
     "rescuing my son Hunter", "collecting my 10%", "indisposed", &
     "playing video games", "eating ice cream", &
     "mumbling incoherently", "you know...the thing" ]

MINIONS = [CHARACTER(LEN=65) :: &
     "that articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy", &
     "my personal overseer Doctor Jilly", "President Harris", "Susan Rice-a-Roni", &
     "China's President Pingpong", "what's his name over at the FBI", "my Attorney General", &
     "our complicit liberal media", "Transportation Secretary Booty Juice", "some other Liberal Progressive Socialist Democrat"]

THE_SECONDS = TIME()
CALL SRAND(THE_SECONDS)

! —– LET'S PLAN JOE'S DAY! —–

50 DAYNO = RAND(0)
     DAYNO = INT(RAND(0)*365*4)
PRINT *, '—————————————————————————————–'
     WRITE (*,200) DAYNO
          200 FORMAT (2x,'DAY',1x,i4,1x,"OF THE PRESIDENT'S UPCOMING SCHEDULE:")
PRINT *, '—————————————————————————————–'
PRINT *, ' '

PICK0 = RAND(0)*100

! — CREATE SOMETHING FOR JOE TO DO –

DO 100 IMA = 0,10,1 ! DEFINE A TASK FOR EACH HOUR OF JOE'S DAY
     PICK1 = 10*(RAND(0))+1
     PICK2 = 10*(RAND(0))+1
     PICK3 = 10*(RAND(0))+1
! — PRINT *, PICK0, PICK1, PICK2

! — BUILD A COHERENT SENTENCE (SOMETHING BIDEN HAS TROUBLE WITH)
     ACTION = ACTIONS(PICK1)
     EXCUSE = EXCUSES(PICK2)
     MINION = MINIONS(PICK3)
     EMOTE = "?!?"
     TASK = TRIM(ACTION) // " " // TRIM(EXCUSE) // EMOTE
     WHO = "C'mon man, give that job to " // TRIM(MINION) // "!"

! — PRESENT THE SCHEDULED TASK TO JOE AND GET HIS FEEDBACK
     WRITE (*,300) IMA,TASK
          300 FORMAT ('HOUR',1x,i2,": ",a100)
     WRITE (*,400) WHO
          400 FORMAT (9x,a100)
     PRINT *, ' '

100 CONTINUE

PRINT *,"Run the program again to see another random day of Biden's busy schedule!"
     ! — (Sorry, this part of the code doesn't work …just like Joe!)
     ! — READ (*,*) YESNO
     ! — IF (YESNO.EQ.’y') THEN GOTO 50

! —– HEY JOE, STOP BEING PRESIDENTIAL —–
RETURN
END

If you run this program you’ll create something like this:

————————————————
DAY 690 OF THE PRESIDENT’S UPCOMING SCHEDULE:
————————————————

HOUR 1: Go away, can’t you see I’m mumbling incoherently?!?
C’mon man, give that job to that articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy!

HOUR 2: Go away, can’t you see I’m indisposed?!?
C’mon man, give that job to some other Liberal Progressive Socialist Democrat!

HOUR 3: You’ve got the nerve to bother me while I’m you know…the thing?!?
C’mon man, give that job to President Harris!

HOUR 4: Is it OK to push the Nuclear Button while I’m in the basement?!?
C’mon man, give that job to Susan Rice-a-Roni!

HOUR 5: Look, I can’t really be Building Back Better if I’m you know…the thing?!?
C’mon man, give that job to China’s President Pingpong!

HOUR 6: Look, I can’t really be Building Back Better if I’m sleeping?!?
C’mon man, give that job to Transportation Secretary Booty Juice!

HOUR 7: An Executive Order isn’t very effective if I’m in the basement?!?
C’mon man, give that job to our complicit liberal media!

HOUR 8: Go away, can’t you see I’m you know…the thing?!?
C’mon man, give that job to our complicit liberal media!

HOUR 9: Go away, can’t you see I’m indisposed?!?
C’mon man, give that job to my personal overseer Doctor Jilly!

HOUR 10: Who told you to interrupt me as I’m mumbling incoherently?!?
C’mon man, give that job to my personal overseer Doctor Jilly!

Run the program again to see more of Biden’s busy schedule!

The program will generate a new day of Biden’s busy schedule every time it’s run: If you’re curious just copy the FORTRAN code, visit this website, paste it into the code box, and click “Run” for lots of fun!

BTW: Last time I programmed in FORTRAN was decades ago…I figure it’s not bad for someone who’s never been a Coal Miner!