“Global Warming” FINALLY Confirmed!

Forget what you’ve read about the Arctic ice mass increasing by 60% last year, Antarctic ice mass at at 35-year high, the fact that global average temperatures have not increased for the last 15 or so years, the extravagant cost of “Green” energy, or the possibility that we could be on the verge of a century of global cooling – instead, consider this actual fact reported by the Australian Government’s Bureau of Meteorology:

“2013 confirmed as Australia’s hottest year on record

Yes siree,  those Blokes and Sheilas held “hostage to the climate change madness” of Greens and Liberals in the vast down under experienced Australia’s hottest day, week, and month, as well as the longest heat wave ever recorded in Australia since the dawn of recorded time (they didn’t really say).

However, I’m not looking forward to what Green Advocates, conspiratorial Scientists, and certain prognosticating Politicians will say once this presser gets picked up by the world’s mainstream press: I can already hear the chorus of “See? I TOLD you so!” delivered to “global warming” non-believers far and wide.

BTW: When it comes to anthropogenic global warming, I believe

(a) the Earth is gradually heating up, because just like Homer Simpson it obeys the Laws of Thermodynamics,
(2) I’ll bet the human contribution to global warming is tiny compared to Mother Nature,
(c) if man’s contribution represents a “tipping point” then how is it we’re still here despite asteroid strikes, huge volcanoes, widespread use of gas propellants, and that scientifically-inconvenient Medieval Warming Period? and
(4) it looks to me as if the “Green Movement” is merely a disguise for a modern version of the 1960′s “Military-Industrial Complex” – call it the “Environmental-Industrial Complex“.

Thanks for reading! (and, stay cool!)

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It’s 2014 – Let’s watch the Bubbles Burst!

Here’s wishes for a :-) Happy New Year :-) my infrequent readers, and the hope that you had a peaceful and joyous Holiday Season.

Now that (most of you) have recovered from your Seasonal Cold Influenza Hangover, did you know the average bottle of Champagne, once opened, can produce between  49 and 250 million bubbles?

While many of those bubbles are released when the pressure inside the bottle – as high as 90 pounds per square inch* – is improperly uncorked, the real pleasure is enjoying the bubbles in your glass: The way they tickle your nose, excite the palate, and dance up the sides of the glass to create an intoxicating pattern of carbon dioxide effervescence on the surface.

So, as you embark on a new year, I hope you took pause during your New Year’s revelry to reflect on all those microscopic bubbles rising up from your flute or coupe to break free, and enjoyed them as best you can: Because if any of the following recent predictions come true, you’ve already experienced the best bubbles of 2014.

*FYI: An overpressure of 5 pounds per square inch is enough to completely destroy most buildings (link). Oh, and does a liberated champagne cork moving at 60 mph qualify the bottle as an “assault weapon”?

Thanks for reading! (and, good luck in 2014!)

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*Disturbing* ObamaCare Fact of the Day

“…4-in-10 of all the [home health care] providers on whom [3.5 million] homebound seniors depend face the threat of bankruptcy and closure as a result of ObamaCare.”

How could this happen? Easy: On page 117 of a regulation released by the quietlyCenters for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) on Friday, November 22, 2013 – right before Thanksgiving – it states that funds for home health care providers will be cut 3.5% per year for four years starting January 1, 2014 – for a total cut of 14%. The CMS estimates up to 40% of providers could go into the red financially by 2017.

But don’t take my word for it: Read more about it here, and here. And be sure to share these links, and the one below, with everyone you know.

(Big tip of the ol’ Red Sox cap to Doug Ross @ Journal)

Thanks for reading!

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So Wrong (and, I can’t even show you!)

I’d originally planned to write about how Vibe’s “3-in-1 Solar Kit: Educational Robotics” allows you to build “a robot,  windmill, helicopter, boat, airplane, or car.” despite the fact that the box only shows a robot, tank, or scorpion, and contains just enough parts inside to build any one of them* – and to also include a scanned image of their box pointing out the company’s apparent lack of an experienced proofreader.

Fortunately, before posting this I happened to take a look at the bottom of the box and noticed their rather onerous Copyright Notice:

(Click to embiggen – IF YOU DARE!)

Just in case I’ve had to remove the image, here’s what their Copyright Notice reads (my emphasis):

No portion of this package, including the shape, graphics, and design, may be transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including by photocopying, recording, or use of any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from DGL. Unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this package, design, or any portion of it will be prosecuted to the maximum extent permissible under law.”

So, apparently, I’ve violated DGL’s copyright notice simply by showing you their copyright notice from the box. (Huh?!?)

Now, rather than  wonder if every single Company, website, and person showing Vibe’s/DGL’s products actually asked and received EXPRESS written permission from DGL, or if my showing the box on this blog for humorous, satirical, or editorial comment is covered under Fair Use, I instead blurred out the company’s logo.  I’m now claiming this modified image constitutes a Derivative Work and have affixed my own Copyright Notice thereto – so, don’t forget to write me if you want to use a copy of it :-)

Oh, and if you still want to see the actual box, check it out on eBay, or buy it at Five Below, while they last – I’m guessing eBay and Five Below are too big to be intimidated by DGL’s Copyright Notice… but if I were you  eBay seller “sml0713” I’d be careful! :-)

* this reminds me of an old joke from the Soviet Union:

A young man worked in a factory he was told produced baby carriages. When his wife became pregnant he realized baby carriages – like almost everything in the Soviet Union – were very expensive and took forever to get, so he decided to smuggle out one part from his factory every few days and bring it back to their small government-provided apartment. Right before his wife gave birth he assembled all the parts and discovered he’d built a machine gun.

Thanks for Reading! (and, DGL, for hopefully having a sense of humor regarding the ironic)

Posted in Are You Kidding me?, Games, I'm Laughing!, Ramblings, So Wrong!, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

McMighty (Wings) McFail

Regular readers already know my deep appreciation (some might say “odd affliction”) for McDonald’s tasty McRib sandwich. Oh sure, it might be made from “mechanically separated” pork, look unappealing in it’s frozen state, and maligned as atrociously unhealthy, but it’s still pork, still tasty, and human stomachs still doesn’t have eyes.

So, when McDonalds “D”-cided not to offer the McRib in the USA this fall – opting instead to offer their “Mighty Wings” – it didn’t take a Rocket Scientist or even CNBC to see this could be a marketing train wreck just waiting to happen.

And, by golly, it was: So much so that the Golden Arches still has about 10,000,000 pounds of “Mighty Wings” left over and currently in deep freeze (that’s about 454,000 kg for you non-Americans, which sounds lower but still weighs the same… however, I digress).

Why McDonalds decided to replace a known revenue generator and go upscale with a product that’s more expensive and less tasty (in my opinion) than wings at Popeye’s, Chick-fil-a, or Buffalo Wild Wings (they’ve got “Wings” in their name, for cripes sakes!) is completely beyond me: It ranks right up there with canceling the Angus Burger and pricing their Chicken McWraps at $3.99 (at $2.99, I’m betting you’d grab a lot of Subway and Dunkin’ Donuts customers…don ‘t thank me, just send me a commission).

No worries though: Burger King introduced their BKRib sandwich – it’s just a buck, just as tasty, and (probably) just as unhealthy as the McRib. And, as an added bonus: With a value drink and value fries the meal is 48 cents cheaper than a McDouble, fries and a drink at McDonalds.

Looks to me like the Clown was played by the King… and, I don’t mean Elvis :-)

Thanks for Reading!

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Holidays are a Time for Giving! (2013)

In the spirit of Christmas (that’s right, readers: “Christmas”, not “Holiday”) I once again present a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. As usual, dear readers, there’s no need to thank me if this help reduce your shopping stress during the “holidaze”… you’re very welcome!

My 2014 Christmas Gift Suggestions
(oops, no photo!) Wiper blade sharpener
Why pay $20 for that wiper renewal liquid stuff advertised on TV (which I’m figuring is mostly alcohol?) when you can own KalcoAuto’s “Wiper Blade Sharpener” for less (actually, half). This ingenious device keeps your blades working at their best without using harmful chemicals, and fits in any glovebox or cubby hole in your vehicle. It makes the perfect gift for the auto buff who also appreciates KalecoAuto’s “Seasonal Air” and “710 Cap”.

(oops, where did the photo go?!?) The Whaletone Piano
What’s better than Lobaton or BelTone, and would make an even better holiday gift for the musically gifted? Why, Whaletone, of course! Looking like a cross between Shamu and a manta ray sent through a mangle machine, it’s almost enough to make me stop wishing for a Theremin. However, be warned: This combination of style and function is a tad pricey, so you might want to consider picking up my next gift recommendation first.

(Hey, where's that money?!?) Million Dollar Bills
At the rate the (P)resident of the United States is printing and spending money it won’t be long before US Currency won’t be worth the paper cloth it’s printed on (heck, it’s already happened to the penny, and it’s about to happen to the nickel). But why wait for the (P)resident when you can be just like him with these Million Dollar Bills! Perfect for impressing your Progressively Liberal friends, fire starting material, a tip for bad service, or even paying the IRS your fine (oops, I meant “tax“) for not signing up for ObamaCare.

(oh man, this image is missing???) Ear iPhone Case
People will wonder if you’re the world’s nosiest person. (I wrote a few more sentences, but this is the only one my lawyer suggested I post. Obviously, he’s a Scrooge :-)

(hmmm... image is missing!) Power Bacon Underarm Deodorant
You’ve read about my fondness for BaconPop, and Baconaise, but this one will surely have the man (men?) in your life squealing with joy this holiday season – it’s “Power Bacon” underarm deodorant, from those inventive folks at J&D’s Foods. No need for me to emote any further when their tag line says it all:

“It’s like an aphrodisiac for your armpits.”

(image has driven off!) VW Camper Van Toaster
When it comes to breakfast what’s cheaper than a VW Camper Van and more nutritious than Camper Van Beethoven? Why, toast made from the VW Camper Van Toaster! Yep, it’s a real toaster cleverly disguised as the iconic German minivan legendary for lots of space and an almost total lack of frontal impact protection. Added bonus: Unlike VWs from the 1930′s thru 1970′s, this VW is actually designed to produce heat!

(oops, no picture!) Gummy Bear Anatomy Kit
If you miss the days when High School students actually got to dissect a real frog in biology class (I sure do, mostly because I found out who the squeamish and/or conscientious objectors were in my class ;-) , then here’s a gift that’s sure to please this Holiday Season: Have your kids learn anatomy while reducing their dependency on sugary sweets. However, I can’t guarantee it will help them dissect their brocolli, calf’s liver, and yams at the dinner table.

(whoops, no image!) Dirt Cologne, by Demeter
If you’ve read this far you’ve probably already anxious to purchase some “Power Bacon” underarm deodorant, but why stop there? Here’s a complementary fragrance for the rest of your body, without all the unsightly appearance and potential bacterial infection of actual dirt. And ladies, why not consider picking up a bottle of their Laundromat Fragrance (shown) when you’ve had enough of your man smelling like a frolicking barnyard animal?

(where's my banana?) The Banana Guard
Are you tired of having your banana mishandled and bruised? Upset with having to eat a misshapen banana? Before you wonder if I’m being metaphorical (hint: I’m not, and shame on you!), here’s a product that would have made my Mom’s childhood commute to school on the subway a little more enjoyable: The Banana Guard! And, they’ve also got a product for protecting cherries, if eating cherries is your fancy.

(no image? yikes!) Thanksgiving Gumballs
I’m guessing the thought process behind this was “Why not combine two really popular items and create an even better one?” Give them this Holiday Season and see if they deserve to be included with the classic food duos: Peanut butter & chocolate, orange & vanilla, and scallops wrapped in bacon (hmmmm… bacon!).

(The Author acknowledges the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)

Thanks for reading! And, Merry Christmas!

Posted in I'm Laughing! | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment