Once again, in the spirit of Christmas (that’s right, readers: “Christmas“, not “Holiday”, or “Winter Celebration”, or “Chrismahanukwanzakah“) I present a short list of gifts that I don’t want to receive under any circumstance I’m considering for my closest relatives and friends. As usual, Holiday readers, there’s no need to thank me if this helps reduce your shopping stress while your electrons wait in line to compete with other electrons in the online stores this year as you remain cooped up in your personal virus-free bubble. Simply continue reading, and Merry Christmas!

My 2020 Christmas Gift Suggestions

Important Note: I am not affiliated with and make no money from any of the items, retailers, or links shown below. This list is for entertainment purposes only.
	The COVID-19 Virus What’s much, much worse than receiving a tie with your name on it, a 25-pound Fruitcake , or perhaps even a Joe Biden Presidency? Why, receiving from a loved one or total stranger the virus which originated in a Biolab in Wuhan City, Hubei Province, China. A gift so horrible that 99.91% of Americans are still alive after almost a year of the virus being in the United States. (oh, and FYI, I like fruitcake, just not 25 pounds of it at once! And PLEASE don’t knowingly give anyone COVID-19!)
	The Genetic Engineering Home Lab Kit Speaking of pandemics originating in China, why let an Autocratic, Centrally-run, Democratic Socialist Country bent on taking over the world have all the fun? This kit might allow YOU to have the same fun right at home! Of course you’ll have to have a strong desire to learn molecular biology and genetic engineering, and the equipment is used and could take up to 2 months to ship. But, perhaps it will allow you to test for COVID-19 in the privacy of your own home, and it could be everything you need to create everything that breeds. (Disclaimer: I’m an Engineer, I have NO IDEA what this kit actually does!)
	Million Dollar Bills Remember when former (P)resident Barack Obama was spending money faster than he was lying? Should his protege “Basement Joe” Biden be (s)elected (P)resident he’ll make Obama look like a cheapskate. Now, you can own money just as worthless with these Million Dollar Bills! Perfect for impressing your Progressively Liberal friends, starting a fire, a tip for bad service, or even paying for your soon-to-be astronomical energy bills. Get some now before Biden makes your actual money actually worthless.
	Tin Foil Hats For Cats Let’s face it: If you have a cat you already know cats don’t listen to their owners, and even if they do they don’t believe most of what their owners say (unless it’s “Here’s your food and water, my cute little muffie wuffie!”). But, just in case your selfish, aloof feline happens to believe in conspiracy theories here’s the perfect gift: Now, they’ll not only ignore you but also the plethora of electronic frequencies surrounding them (and, us) every minute of every day!
	Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure Board Game What’s Christmas without bacon? (Hint: It’s Ramadan, which is also without Jesus, and happened back in April). You may already know about my fondness for BaconPop, and Baconaise, but now that China owns America’s largest pork producing company I’ll have to settle for an old-fashioned board game that combines the best of Candy Land and BACON! It’s an adventure which might rival that of Bill & Ted, Pee-wee Herman, or even Superman.
	The Farting Animals Coloring Book Thanks to prominent politicians, rich Hollywood actors, and the United Nations it’s no secret the digestive systems of animals contribute to “irreversible, Anthropogenic Global Warming“. But, it might be a secret to kids who believe meat comes from supermarkets, real bears are cuddly, and the Government is hiding all the Unicorns (Ok, I made that last one up). What better way to cleverly introduce your little ones to the “evils” of climate change and the malnutrition of a vegan diet than to give them this book? Why I didn’t find this thoughtful gift sooner is beyond me, but better late than never.
	Dumpster Fire Light-Up Vinyl Figure “Celebrate” 2020 – the Year of the Great Reset – in style with a gift so new China hasn’t made enough of them to ship yet. It’s a cute conversation piece, a nightlight, and the harbinger of disastrous days yet to come, all in one convenient size! I wonder if it also comes as a full size grill for bar-b-quing all the tasty meat those kids with their coloring books won’t be eating?
	Stone Face Tissue Holder Here’s the perfect gift for that someone who likes to sniff or simply has the sniffles and appreciates Polynesian history: A tissue dispenser featuring the head of one of Easter Island’s permanent inhabitants, the Moai. Just place it over a standard box of tissue to add a bit of “Museum” – or, 1950′s Tiki Party kitsch – to your otherwise non-tropical bathroom. The Moai’s nose knows!
	The Self-Contained Hootenanny Have a hankerin’ for some highfalutin hootenanny? Well, hanker no longer, stranger! Courtesy of those fine folks at Hammacher Schlemmer comes the “Self-contained Hootenanny”, and it’s all yours for only $54,000 (plus, I presume, tax and shipping). It’s knee-slapping, jug-tootin’, hoedown fun for Mr. & Ms. Hayseed and their brood of little seedlings. Oh sure, it’s a lot more expensive than an air-powered Calliope or maybe even an amusement park merry-go-round with automatic calliope, but that’s the price you pay if you want to dance. (FYI: I’d get one but my pinball table already takes up a bit of space in my place!)
	Glow-in-the-dark Yodelling Pickle Oh sure, you’ve probably seen ordinary pickles, pickle Christmas ornaments, pickle socks, and even yodelling pickles. But those all pale in comparison to a glow-in-the-dark yodelling pickle! Now you never have to worry about losing your pickle in the dark ever again as you bask in the dulcet tones of a Switzerland tradition most people associate with cough drops and science fiction movies. (Frankly, I don’t see the attraction…perhaps it’s a “Wisconsin” thing?)

(Note I am in not associated in any known way with any product or link shown on this page, and acknowledge the various Copyrights and Trademarks used throughout this article are the property of their respective holders.)

Thanks for reading! And, Merry Christmas!