If Liberals Ran Major League Baseball.

At a recent Red Sox game at Fenway Park, I waited at the water fountain while a woman refilled her empty water bottle. She apologized, saying she wasn’t going to buy another bottle of water at $4.00 – after all, she said, “Aren’t they making like 2000% profit on this?

“2000%”? I’m guessing it’s more like “5800%”. Which got me thinking: Between 2008 and 2010, when the Democrats effectively controlled both the Presidency and Congress, they nationalized General Motors, GMAC Financing (now Ally Bank), health care, and school loans; and, sold Chrysler to the Italians (who plan to buy a majority share). All that took up an awful lot of time, money, and effort for seemingly not much benefit (unless you’re in a Union… then, congratulations!). Why didn’t they just start small, and nationalize our National Pastime, Major League Baseball? After all, MLB is exempt from anti-trust regulations, so nationalizing it should be a breeze!

No matter. If the Democrats (gasp!) do well in 2012 they’ll have plenty of time to work their collective “nationalismo” on the MLB. And, here’s what they could do to improve the experience for us all:

  1. Everyone must belong to a Union.
    Sure, the players are unionized, and I suspect plenty of other workers are as well (eg: foodservice). But, now everyone who works in Major League Baseball must belong to a Union – from the Front Office to Parking lot attendants. If there’s a team in a “Right to Work” state (the Atlanta Braves or Texas Rangers, for example), then they’ll either kowtow to the National Labor Relations Board, or they’ll be advised to relocate to a state where “Right to Work” laws don’t exist.
  2. Cap salaries at the “1% Taxpayer” level.
    According to the IRS, in 2009 you needed to make over $343,927 in Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) to be in the top 1% of taxpayers. Well, many players and others involved with MLB easily make enough money to join the “1%” club. Limiting just the top 25 highest-paid players for 2012 to a $343,927 annual salary would reduce their combined cost by over 98%, saving US$508,248,620… or, about US$7.00 per ticket based on 2011 total attendance. As President Obama remarked: “I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money“, so let our MLB franchises set a selfless example by making sure their employees are not “evil one percenters“.
  3. 15% Maximum profit margin.
    Anything that’s sold – tickets, parking, food, drinks, souvenirs, anything – must be sold at a 15% profit margin or less. Why does water cost $4.75 in the ballpark when I can buy 6-pack at the local Dollar Tree for $1.00 (or, about 16 cents a bottle) who’s still making a profit on it? Why is a “personal-sized” 6″ pizza $6.75 when I can get a full-sized pie at Little Ceasar’s for $5.00 anytime they’re open? Plenty of successful industries operate with low profit margins: Health Insurance Companies (15-20%) , Oil Companies, Casinos (17-25%), Costco (15%), and PC Manufacturers (single digits, save for Apple), and probably more, So, professional baseball can certainly thrive at 15% profit – especially now that employee costs have been “rightsized” in Step 2.
  4. Open seating.
    All seats are the exact same price, and no one gets to pick their seat – they’re randomly assigned at time of purchase. And, no more Season Tickets – it’s unfair for some people to have more than others. No need to let Class Warfare infiltrate our Nation’s Pastime!
  5. Mandatory ticket purchasing.
    It’s the Nation’s Pastime, so everyone must purchase a ticket. Parents will purchase tickets for  their children under the age of 26. As the number of tickets available during the year is far less than the number of eligible purchasers, tickets will be assigned via a nationwide lottery.
  6. No secondary market.
    Ticket resellers, Scaplers, Bookies, Souvenir sellers, etc. should not be allowed to make quick profits through market speculation. Besides, everything controlled by a single, Federally infrastructure must mean better service, higher efficiency, less waste & corruption, and a better customer experience: Just like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Amtrak, the US Post Office, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac (and, soon, Pell Grants).
  7. Healthy Foods Only.
    Hotdogs? Hamburgers? Fried dough? Pizza? Forget it, they’re all bad for you! Also, no ice cream, peanuts, cotton candy, cheesy nachos, lemonade, kettle corn, lobster rolls, clam chowder, soda, fried chicken, or… just about everything. It’ll all be forbidden except for possibly fruit cups/juices, salads, vegetable plates, hummus, water, and maybe air-popped, salt-free popcorn and alcohol-free “lite” beer or a wine. Of course, the lyrics to “Take me out to the Ballgame” will be adjusted accordingly to avoid falling back into unhealthy eating habits, as they’ll be no Cracker Jack® either, despite Frito-Lay’s nutritional claims.
  8. No 7th Inning Stretch.
    “Stretching” isn’t healthy. Instead, they’ll be a “7th Inning Move!“, where the strength & conditioning coaches will take the field and lead the crowd in some at-seat exercizing for at least 5 minutes to get their heart rates up and collective weights down. Added benefit: It’ll make fans more attentive during the critical last two innings of the game.
  9. Patriotic Neutrality.
    No pre-game National Anthem, “God Bless America” during the stretch, or US flags on uniforms & equipment, as these may offend foreigners or pacifists in attendance: We should be respectful of others.
  10. No Audience Cheering or Booing.
    The fact a player has made it to the Majors is worthy of praise regardless of their actual performance, and no participant should be applauded or booed based on their performance, team affiliation, or personal opinions. Instead, in-stadium cameras will automatically analyze each play and automatically provide the appropriate amount and duration of applause regardless of every player regardless of team.
  11. No Post-Season Play
    Having sports be a “win-lose” proposition simply reinforces a “haves vs. haves-not” class system: So let’s make everyone a winner – No team should win at another team’s expense. We should all win or lose together!

Enjoy the game! And…

Thanks for reading!

This entry was posted in I'm Laughing!, Politics, Sports and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to If Liberals Ran Major League Baseball.

  1. Editor says:

    12. Each team’s roster must have at least 50% women and each roster must match the racial make-up of the United States.

  2. McGregor1 says:

    Fantastic info and interestingly written. Keep up the superb stuff!

  3. Chebret67 says:

    I am bookmarking this asap! Thank you very much ;)

  4. Vargo says:

    This is a great blog you have here

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Why ask?